Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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