Just fell off a train. Bad.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
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