Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
