She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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