Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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