The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
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