it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
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