Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
