And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
