I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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