My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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