3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
no. you can't hotbox the world.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
