I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
