I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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