there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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