I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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