Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
True strength comes from lack of pants
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
jump out the window naked night went bad
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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