I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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