Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Randomize