Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
