That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Randomize
