Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
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