every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
