woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I wish life had little blips of pornography
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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