I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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