Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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