I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
