I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
