Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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