it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize