I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
