It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
