Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
