I met the friendliest cop last night
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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