speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
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