Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
