you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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