The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Randomize
