Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
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