I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
Randomize
