My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
