What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Randomize
