Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
