He asked me if I "almost moaned"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
