Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Randomize
