Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize