My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
