Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
