When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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