She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
And then my night got REAL pukey
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
