She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
FUCK WHALES
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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