I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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