Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
