Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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